I was shocked -- shocked I tell you -- to discover that "Survivor: All-Stars" runner-up (and the Sonny to Amber Brkich's Cher) Boston Rob was the mysterious Player Operator on UPN's comically bad "The Player." Somehow I hoped that Boston Rob would make better use of his time. Then again, at least Rob has the common sense not to hang out on the lip of an erupting volcano.

That's where we find Jeff Probst as "Survivor: Vanuatu" begins on Thursday night (Sept. 16). With molten rock flying all around, Jeff introduces the spiritual backdrop for the show, explaining that the Vanuatu natives believe this smoking crater is the resting place for souls. If evicted castaways aren't tossed into the volcano after Tribal Council, methinks the natives will get very restless.

On a boat, the 18 contestants are about to meet those natives. Seconds after the anchor is tossed, the castaways stare in horror as canoe after canoe of shrieking savages paddle toward them. Do these people have a complicated tribal culture? Certainly. Does CBS care about their actual lives? Heavens no. This is a caricatured theme park introduction to Cannibal Country, but Jeff, riding like the Great White Hunter in the lead boat, instructs the players that they need to be respectful of the local mores, whatever they may be. He suggests they may be repulsed, terrified and possibly just a little aroused by the initiation ceremony to come.

The first player to make an impression is Tennessee native Travis. Not only is he wearing an orange Bob Barker shirt, but he talks like "Survivor" favorite Big Tom if only Big Tom had fewer marbles in his mouth and fewer marbles in his head as well. His first act is to tip a canoe.

On shore, the contestants are aghast as the natives attack with spears and face paint. Hyper-aggressive John P. wonders if they should fight back. Lone minority Rory figures the tribe is giving him preferential treatment. After launching into a production number straight out of "South Pacific" (the Vanuatu equivalent of "Some Enchanted Evening"), the men and women are separated, with the men in the prime seats. Wannabe lawyer Eliza takes instant umbrage, though it's not like the chief asked her where the devil his slippers were.

As the women watch in jealousy, the men drink some kind of liquified narcotic.

After another "This culture is different, boys and girls" lecture, out comes a live pig and a warrior with a machete. Everybody looks disgusted except for pigtailed Dolly the shepherdess. Before you can say "That'll do, Pig," down comes the machete and away cuts the camera. One native smears blood on the male faces and Lea declares that this makes him a warrior in the tribe. Lea also thinks that watching the Country Bears at Disneyland makes him Yogi.

Jeff, one step away from going all Kurtz on CBS, unveils a lucky spirit stone. It's placed at the top of a pole greased with swine lard. FBI agent Brady goes scurrying right up and grabs the talisman.

Rain falls as the men are dubbed the Lopevi Tribe and the women become the Yasurs.

"Women stick together, they're thick as thieves," declares Chris, who's pleased with the separation. "Men are just seething, mischievous, untrusting human beings. Men I can manipulate."

The two teams are sent off into the darkness to find their camps. On the Yasur side, Scout wants to hunker down in the middle of the jungle until sun-up, but she's outvoted. The Lopevis are wandering on the path, but Rory wants to split up to find a better way. He's ignored and they soon reach camp. The women arrive at their temporary home soon after.

It's morning in Yasur and the women have already split into the productive older players and the lazy young ones. Scout and Twila and Leann are hauling materials for shelter as the four younger women splash in the water, using handfuls of wet sand as an exfoliant. Scout compares the "sorority chicks" to cows.

In Lopevi, efforts to produce fire yield a single glowing ember (despite using a method John P. got from the "Aborigeans"), but no flames. Chris identifies that intellectually, John P. may be a glowing ember, but he's a long way from a flame.

During an activity lull, Chad impresses everybody by taking off his foot. It's more than a mere parlor trick. The teacher is a recent cancer survivor.

The fix is in as the first challenge (for both immunity and flint) rolls around. It's an obstacle course that begins with challenges of speed and wits and features a balance beam. Now if I learned anything from seventh grade gym (and I know I didn't) or perhaps from "Survivor: Amazon" (I learned more than I care to admit) it's that men and balance beams aren't great tastes that go great together. Did we see the Olympics, folks? There's a reason why men don't complete on the balance beam and women don't compete on the pommel horse.

In any case, flash back to "Survivor: Amazon," where the men came in all cocky and were dominating the opening obstacle course before good ol' Dan and Ryan botched the balance beam. Flash forward to the present as the men zip through the first few games with a solid lead. The balance beam looms, but several of the men realize that their lead is so big that they have time to scoot along the pole on their stomachs, negating that center of gravity problem. Even Chad, after an early fall, goes zipping across. Only Chris seems to have a problem. He's too cool to shimmy, it seems. He's bound and determined to hot-foot it across, even if it costs his team dearly. And it does. The women are the big winners.

Welcome to "Survivor," where being plucky with only one leg is less of a disability than being a dunderhead with a ponytail.

It's little wonder that back in the Lopevi camp, all signs point toward Chris being the first player with a snuffed torch.

"If I had wings, I'd have made it," swears Chris, who seems to be just one Red Bull shy of world conquest.

Drill Sergeant Lea is already thinking strategy and he wants to start getting rid of the young men. He offers Chris the chance to save his hide by orchestrating Brook's ouster.

"I'm not vulnerable at all," Chris blusters.

In Tribal Council, Jeff mocks Chris for a while and then prods the men to say really sexist things about the women.

"There are a couple girls who had really nice, um, tails," Brook says obligingly.

Alas, Brook will never get to see those tails up close. The Massachusetts project manager is the first player voted off of "Survivor: Vanuatu," leaving the already weakened men without a strong player for challenges to come.